This is a great question that I think is really worth asking yourself every once in a while. Another question I use to look at this same topic is, “Where is your power leaking?” That’s because when we avoid something in our lives, it remains as a constant drain of our vital life force energy.
I was in a group last week and noticed that I really wasn’t enjoying myself. This group of strangers had come together with a great intention; to discover how we could bring the power of Spirit more deeply into our everyday lives. I was really wanting to connect with the other participants, and as it’s such a big topic, was very much ok with the fact that people looked at it differently, or were struggling with the seeming paradox of believing in Spirit and then looking at some of the struggles in the world today. What I wasn’t enjoying was the way the group was being facilitated.
I had an assessment that the facilitator was micromanaging by trying to answer everyone’s questions about God. I noticed a tightness in my chest. I heard explanations and theories and began to feel disconnected from Spirit, which was the opposite of my intention in being there. I began interrupting the explanations by posing questions instead, as that is my way of supporting people in exploring to find their own answers. In that process I noticed that I wasn’t enjoying how I was being, and that I had some self judgment for interupting.
I walked away wondering if maybe I just didn’t belong in that group.
When I pondered this later, I saw it differently. I can see now that I was trying to step in and speak for my needs around how I would have liked to honor everyone in the group. But what was in my way of simply stating what I was seeing? I was feeling compassion for the facilitator, and I was making myself wrong for even considering suggesting that we run the group differently because that would have been “judgemental” of me. I was, in essence, holding in my assessments so I could avoid judging the facilitator. The result was that all those feeling were festering inside me, to the point where I disconnected from both the other participants and from Spirit.
What hit me the next day was that I can see this pattern in many areas of my life. In trying to hold a place of compassion and openness, I sometimes am avoiding using the power and insight of my current truth, even though my truth (my present experience) can change drastically if I am able to step through it. The insight I had regarding this is that I need to go through my truth in order to get to the truth. In other words, I can’t get there by avoiding what’s so for me. In order to get to the other side, I need to keep stepping in until I get to a different place.
This doesn’t mean holding on to my current truth as the truth (we can all play that game). By going through my truth I mean honoring my needs and my wisdom that are showing up as resistance AND holding space for everyone else’s current truth. I’m going to step in with the intention of having our group work better for everyone, while being grateful and compassionate to the facilitator and to myself in the process. I’m going to have a conversation with the facilitator to explore our mutual needs and intentions. That way, everyone wins!
What is it that you’re avoiding???
love, Todd.