I’ve noticed that one of the most common sources of communication blocks occurring in my life is when I am trying to be understood in a conversation when the other person is hurting. Whenever I do this, it seems that the conversation breaks down into a contest where we are each focused primarily on our own needs. I’ve been working to change this for a while, and the results have been great! It comes down to one simple practice; when I notice that the other person is hurting, I seek to understand them before attempting to be heard.
By being conscious about this it’s like flipping a switch inside me, where suddenly I stop competing and start really putting my attention on getting the other person. When the other person feels like they’ve been heard, that I’ve stayed connected to them, and they’ve expressed their feelings, then they’re much more likely to be open to hearing about my feelings and needs.
I find it nice to mark the transition very clearly. I repeat back what I’ve heard, and then I might ask, “Do you have anything else you’d like for me to understand?” If the answer is no, then I might even ask, “Are you open to hearing me feelings and needs around this?”
I know that I am committed to being with people in a way that honors all of us, and that recognizes that we are all doing the best we can expressing our needs. Many of us learned to fight for our needs by using strategies that are not in line with our current values. These strategies are merely habits waiting to be updated in ways that serve us all. Those of you that know me personally can help me practice this commitment!
How are you committed to being with people?
Love,
Todd.
