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As the credit crisis has many of us thinking about money issues, this week I decided to declare a breakdown in an area of my life in order to have a breakthrough. The area I was looking for a breakthrough in was around money conversations with other people. It started with noticing an ongoing underlying resentment that I was having with someone regarding a financial arrangement we had. The agreement had been made many years earlier, didn’t make sense to me, and simply wasn’t working for me anymore. I realized that by avoiding stepping into this conversation, I was having an ongoing internal conversation that was robbing us both of connection and wasn’t meeting my need for having a balanced and intimate relationship.

I declared the breakdown, and decided to have a conversation with this person. That’s when the fun began! Everything that had gotten in my way of having this conversation began coming up. I heard the voices of justification supporting the changing of our arrangement, and felt the fears of being judged as unfair, tight, selfish, and greedy come reeling upon me. I realized that this is what I had been hoping to avoid by not having this conversation, and I could see how I was avoiding those same feelings around being judged all over my life. The thought occurred, where else could I declare a breakdown with the intent of having more integrity, connection, and clean and clear agreements around financial arrangements?

In less than a week I declared the same breakdown in my primary relationship, with a house mate, with a relative, and with a client. Every conversation has been a wonderful opportunity to add clarity, integrity, and deep connection to my relationships. Some conversations have been easy, while others I’ve stumbled into less skillfully than I would have liked, or have run into other people’s survival mechanism conversations around money. Some of these conversations are still incomplete.  I’m appreciating it all as I step into these tender areas, because I’m feeling the layers peeling away and noticing the freedom that’s possible from the release of old, ineffective strategies. The good news is, the bigger the block is, the more possibility you can access by moving through it!

How are you in conversation with others around money? Is your way of being in these conversations satisfying to you? Are you ready to declare a breakdown? When we let go of our defenses and have connection and “all needs met” as our deepest intent, the powerful results can be surprising!

Ready for a good laugh? Come see me in Seussical next month!

Love,
Todd.

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I was talking to a friend today about the practice of living in the present. We were lamenting American’s attachment to control and specific outcomes, as opposed to the practice of living with clear intentions based on our deepest values and commitments with a resounding yes to the naturally unfolding path of what is. I’ve often wondered about “retirement” and what exactly that means to most Americans. Does it mean we stop being actively engaged in our life’s work? Does it mean our values shift? Does it mean that we’ve finally arrived and can now enjoy life?

Those possible interpretations of retirement don’t resonate with me at all. I know I’ll always have many projects that I’ll be involved in, some of which I will receive compensation in dollars for, others of which I won’t, but all of which are a reflection of what I’m up to in this life. Today a new definition of retirement came to me; no longer living a job-centric life.

As soon as this definition occurred to me, I declared,”I’m retired”. I realized in that moment that I had retired several years ago, but that I just hadn’t claimed it yet. Interestingly enough, it was soon after I retired that I took my first regular “job” after 7 years of coaching full time, which is the part time position I currently have as a Case Manager at the Santa Cruz AIDS Project where I support clients and have implemented and am running a Wellness Program.

Are you ready for retirement? Go ahead, claim it! What would shift in your life today if you gave yourself permission to let go of some of your job-centric thinking and simply committed yourself to being engaged in the work that is most important to you?  It could be the best career move you ever make!

love,

Todd.

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What exactly does that mean with regard to our night-time dreams? I’ve been having some powerful dreams lately. This morning I was dreaming about a dear friend I met in Taiwan over 20 years ago when I was teaching English there. I was young, in the closet, and in love. He was a dear, straight friend, and the object of my longing. The content of my dream was around finally fulfilling that longing. Is that a dream I would choose to follow? Not literally. It doesn’t serve me to fantasize about a changed past. I recognize now that what I was really craving was connection, and my life is abundantly full of that now. I did get a valuable insight though. I woke up with more clarity around his motives and his participation in our constant underlying sexual playfulness. This is an example of a dream I don’t choose to follow, but did glean a message from.

The night before I dreamed of a high school reunion. Everyone got 5 minutes to get up and tell everyone about their present life. Everyone had notes and was nervous, which seemed comical to me. Finally someone entered with a defiant tone and spoke his mind. I asked him a couple of revealing questions, and the energy of the room shifted dramatically from one of nervousness and performance to relaxation and authentic connection.

I walked up to my high school classmate Randy and invited him into a deep conversation. It wasn’t about our roles or our history, it was about what was emerging in our lives that’s deeply important to us, and about how we’re bringing ourselves forth. It was about connecting on a deep level and revealing our underlying truths.

This dream speaks deeply to my vision. My vision revolves around having deep, revealing, connecting conversations with people in which a clearing is created for our deeper truths to emerge. This vision is showing up all over my life, especially in my interactions with friends and acquaintances.

Now that is a dream worth following! I’m going to call Randy and invite him to have that conversation.

love,
Todd.

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I’ve been noticing a pattern of judgment in my life lately. I am so passionate about the process of raising my consciousness and supporting others to do the same. I see circumstances and low levels of consciousness in the world, our government, my workplace, my church,… and I get really frustrated with wanting things to be different. It’s at these times when I feel a tightness in my chest and body and hear voices of judgment in my head. I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been speaking from that judgmental place, and putting out that energy all over my life. I know that speaking from a place of judgment doesn’t support the results I’m wanting, and so I am now willing to declare that my current strategies are not working for me.

I think it’s important to make the distinction between frustration and judgment. Frustration is what I’m feeling in those moments. Judgment is an old ineffective strategy I have for dealing with my frustration. It comes from wanting to feel powerful and effective and in control. It comes from the past. It isn’t working.

I know that one of the best things I can do to support myself to not get caught in this trap is to cultivate spaciousness. I am declaring today that I will not judge! When I’m in that stuck place I will allow and speak my emotions without the judgmental thoughts.

I am also committed to embracing all levels of consciousness, not just the higher, more spacious ones that I am so fond of.  It is only in the embracing of what is that change is possible.  It is  through acceptance that intention can be manifested.  That is the path that I am choosing.

Where is judgment showing up in your life?  Is it working?

love,

Todd.

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I’ve noticed that one of the most common sources of communication blocks occurring in my life is when I am trying to be understood in a conversation when the other person is hurting. Whenever I do this, it seems that the conversation breaks down into a contest where we are each focused primarily on our own needs.  I’ve been working to change this for a while, and the results have been great! It comes down to one simple practice; when I notice that the other person is hurting, I seek to understand them before attempting to be heard.

By being conscious about this it’s like flipping a switch inside me, where suddenly I stop competing and start really putting my attention on getting the other person. When the other person feels like they’ve been heard, that I’ve stayed connected to them, and they’ve expressed their feelings, then they’re much more likely to be open to hearing about my feelings and needs.

I find it nice to mark the transition very clearly. I repeat back what I’ve heard, and then I might ask, “Do you have anything else you’d like for me to understand?” If the answer is no, then I might even ask, “Are you open to hearing me feelings and needs around this?”

I know that I am committed to being with people in a way that honors all of us, and that recognizes that we are all doing the best we can expressing our needs. Many of us learned to fight for our needs by using strategies that are not in line with our current values. These strategies are merely habits waiting to be updated in ways that serve us all. Those of you that know me personally can help me practice this commitment!

How are you committed to being with people?

Love,
Todd.

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Lately I’ve been feeling very positively about the world, myself, and just about everything.  As I’ve noticed this great feeling, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about faith.  I watched a movie last night with a strong message about faith.  It also had religious themes.  I woke up this morning thinking about the difference between those two.

I choose faith because it works for me!  By choosing faith I mean choosing to believe that I have enough, that I’ll be ok, that there is more than enough available, and that everything will be ok.  This doesn’t mean having faith that I’ll get that next client, but more like I’ll be ok whether or not the possible client and I decide to work together.  It doesn’t mean that a particular sick person will be healed, but more that there is a source of wellness in the universe that is absolute and untouchable.

You see, I believe that we are energetic beings in an energetic universe.  When I am standing in a place of faith, it has a particular effect on my life.  The affect is I feel good, confident, open, and connected.  This does not mean turning a blind eye to what’s so.  I just know that if I get stuck in my assessments of what might prevent a possibility that I’m wanting, then I’m living my life in a place of fear and control.  I choose instead to look to ground my assessments, all the while knowing that I’m choosing to have and feed the quality of faith in my life.

When my faith is challenged, it is a sign to me that I am holding onto something.  It is one of the great paradoxes of life that if I let go of something turning out a particular way while still holding the intention, then the outcome I’m wanting becomes more likely.  That is why I choose faith.  I choose to live in a way that is life affirming, adds possibility, and supports a sense of wonder, connectedness, empathy, and love in the world.

What is your relationship to faith?

love,
Todd.

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Last night I could feel myself coming down with the flu. I slept restlessly, and had a slight fever. I woke up this morning a bit groggy, but also feeling very peaceful. I spent a couple of hours just lying in bed, enjoying being in my body, noticing my breath, and relaxing. You see, when my body is dealing with illness this strange thing happens. I just stop. I completely give myself permission to stop doing anything, drop my schedule and my plans, and spend my time peacefully staying connected to me.

It’s at times like this that I notice the level of addiction to doing that still exists in my life. I have so many projects! I’m remodeling my kitchen (see image of arch), getting bids to replace windows, planning a ski trip for this weekend, refinancing my house, planning an anniversary show with Um…Gee…Um, working on a solo show, restructuring some of my finances, revamping my marketing materials and web site, I just joined a gym last week and am starting an exercise program, I singed up for a singing class at Cabrillo, I’m attending weekly Pray In though Inner Light Ministries, am in their Core Principles course, and then of course there’s my coaching business, working 20 hours a week at the Santa Cruz Aids Project, and my relationship! Don’t get me wrong, my life is this way because I love it! What I’m looking at, though, is what happens when I just stop?

I believe in freedom and choice. By this I mean true choice, meaning I can choose something or not, and am not compelled (controlled) to do or not do an act. In other words, am I really at choice if I can’t help but make only one choice? Am I at choice with the food I eat, or am I compelled to eat those chips at a party? Am I at choice as to watch or not watch TV, or am I compelled to turn it on at night? Am I at choice around my projects or can I just put them aside?

I can see that I’ve come a long way in these domains, especially with what I think is the biggest addiction in our culture; the addiction to doing. Today I’m taking a day off. Not because I’m in resistance to doing (that’s not really choice, that’s avoidance!), but because I’m listening to my body. Today I’m grateful for the simple opportunity to just breathe and be.

How is your relationship to doing and not doing? And of course, what do you think of my kitchen tile pattern?
love,
Todd.

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This is a great question that I think is really worth asking yourself every once in a while. Another question I use to look at this same topic is, “Where is your power leaking?” That’s because when we avoid something in our lives, it remains as a constant drain of our vital life force energy.

I was in a group last week and noticed that I really wasn’t enjoying myself. This group of strangers had come together with a great intention; to discover how we could bring the power of Spirit more deeply into our everyday lives. I was really wanting to connect with the other participants, and as it’s such a big topic, was very much ok with the fact that people looked at it differently, or were struggling with the seeming paradox of believing in Spirit and then looking at some of the struggles in the world today. What I wasn’t enjoying was the way the group was being facilitated.

I had an assessment that the facilitator was micromanaging by trying to answer everyone’s questions about God. I noticed a tightness in my chest. I heard explanations and theories and began to feel disconnected from Spirit, which was the opposite of my intention in being there. I began interrupting the explanations by posing questions instead, as that is my way of supporting people in exploring to find their own answers. In that process I noticed that I wasn’t enjoying how I was being, and that I had some self judgment for interupting.
I walked away wondering if maybe I just didn’t belong in that group.

When I pondered this later, I saw it differently. I can see now that I was trying to step in and speak for my needs around how I would have liked to honor everyone in the group. But what was in my way of simply stating what I was seeing? I was feeling compassion for the facilitator, and I was making myself wrong for even considering suggesting that we run the group differently because that would have been “judgemental” of me. I was, in essence, holding in my assessments so I could avoid judging the facilitator. The result was that all those feeling were festering inside me, to the point where I disconnected from both the other participants and from Spirit.

What hit me the next day was that I can see this pattern in many areas of my life. In trying to hold a place of compassion and openness, I sometimes am avoiding using the power and insight of my current truth, even though my truth (my present experience) can change drastically if I am able to step through it. The insight I had regarding this is that I need to go through my truth in order to get to the truth. In other words, I can’t get there by avoiding what’s so for me. In order to get to the other side, I need to keep stepping in until I get to a different place.

This doesn’t mean holding on to my current truth as the truth (we can all play that game). By going through my truth I mean honoring my needs and my wisdom that are showing up as resistance AND holding space for everyone else’s current truth. I’m going to step in with the intention of having our group work better for everyone, while being grateful and compassionate to the facilitator and to myself in the process. I’m going to have a conversation with the facilitator to explore our mutual needs and intentions. That way, everyone wins!

What is it that you’re avoiding???

love, Todd.

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Distractions are like noise. They turn our attention away from what’s really important to us. In this age distractions are marketed to us with the help of focus groups, polls, and studies around how to get our attention and mold our behavior towards particular short term gratification strategies as an escape from a hectic inner and outer world.

Despite a growing number of heart and thought numbing distractions, a growing hunger still exists in the human soul for something deeper and more meaningful. We hunger for deep connection, love, meaningful work, community, safety, happiness and fullfillment. No amount of distraction will quench this hunger, only abate it like junk food temporarily filling us without nourishment.

Distraction should not be confused with recreation. We all need to unwind from the stress and monotony of daily living, and play is a very important and necessary function of all higher species. Often we pretend to play by being entertained, by paying to watch the product of other people’s imaginations.

Recently my partner Javier got a giant TV and a Playstation 3 for our living room. I can see that I have chosen for many years not to have such temptations around the house because I can so easily get caught up in using them to avoid my life. I’m learning, still, how to distinguish when I am distracting myself, and when I am simply unwinding in recreation. It’s a very fine line that I am now choosing to face, rather than avoid.

How are you engaged in distracting yourself from what you really want? What rises up in you when you just stop? What have you been putting off that is really important to you?

Last night I declared to my Um…Gee…Um Improv playmates that I’m going to start working on a one man show. I’m scared, thrilled, have no idea what will arise, and am ready to engage in the process and discover what it is I might like to communicate. It’s been on my future list for about 7 years, and I’m through being distracted, playstation or not!

Peace,

Todd.

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It is interesting to me how my fellow humans and I often have the idea that we can think our way through our problems. I mean really, when do you do your best thinking? For me, the more caught up I am in thinking, the more confused I can get by the myriad of possible ideas and solutions to my present circumstance.

Have you even been out on a run, or in the jacuzzi, or on a hike, and suddenly out of nowhere comes a clear idea about something you’ve been struggling with? This happens to me all the time. The answer just bubbles up from the depths, and when it comes, I don’t even need to think about it, because I know its the way to go.

I had been thinking for the last week about whether I wanted to get on the board of directors for a local non-profit. I am very committed to this organization and am already doing some work with them, and could see how I could be a huge asset to the board. I’d been thinking about it, weighing my options, and the clarity just wasn’t there. And then it came, when I wasn’t even thinking about it, in a moment when I was purposely doing nothing but being in my body and listening to the bamboo leaves rustling in the wind on my back patio. “I don’t want to burn myself out”, said the voice, and I knew in that moment that in order to keep doing what I’m already doing for this agency well, that declining this additional role was definitely the right thing for everyone concerned.

How do you cultivate clarity? When do you do your best “thinking”? What supports living your life and making your important decisions from a place of wisdom and inner peace?

Think about it :^)

love, Todd.

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